Many of you probably don’t know this little ones story… and I thought it’s time to share. He was everything I needed and nothing I wanted – in the beginning. It’s hard to share the vulnerable parts but I think it’s important. It’s what makes us – us. Every time I look at this boy I am overcome with wonder and gratitude.
I was ten months postpartum after my second. Exhausted. Depleted. Angry. Burnt out. Struggling with undiagnosed postpartum depression and anger. Movement was my escape and therapy, strength was my pride, confidence was in my capabilities… which were severely limited and struggling at this low point.
I ovulated four days late. The test came back positive two days after I was supposed to start my cycle, my world literally came crashing down.
I furiously wrote things to be thankful for all the while I ached inside – “I can’t do this again. I can’t do this again.” It was the only thought that was constant.
Shock turned to anger turned to bitterness and resentment. All emotions that were frequent that last year but never addressed, however this time they came with vengeance.
I didn’t want this baby. I didn’t want to lose this baby. I didn’t want to deal with the emotions this pregnancy brought up. What strength I had quickly diminished as the demand of pregnancy grew. Movement was limited and so was my therapy and escape. My body needed the additional rest but my mind couldn’t handle the change. The mountains of pride and control were tumbling down within this heart of mine. Their test of time could not stand against this.
I realized in those first few months how little I could actually control. I unearthed how much pride I had in holding myself together and how much self-sufficiency was tied to my dignity. I was simply put, undone.
But Jesus. His sweet merciful, tender, love – walked me through one of the darkest seasons. He’s too good of a God to have us lived with half-laid foundations, to have us hope in anything but Living Hope himself.
His love was patient + grieved with me the changes my soul was walking through. As I yielded to the Spirit within I encountered acceptance and then expectancy for this sweet life inside.
Bitterness turned to grief turned to joy. The illusion of confidence tumbled but what grew up was a stability I had yet to see. Something that waves of this life cannot move or shake. Yes, something deeper was forged in those moments growing this child within me. So many words were shared that Asher’s presence would thrust us into a new season. So many words that I didn’t have faith to steward but the Spirit was faithful to me. Reminding me. Guiding me. Changing me.
And it seemed, in a lifetime and in a moment I received so many spoken promises.
His 2nd birthday has come and gone and I’m sitting in awe and wonder of the work and testimony of this little boys life already. What a joy he is; what a life bringer. How he has taught his momma about the true strength of the life laid down. It’s an honor to mother you, Asher Jude. 💜 May your life be filled with the wonder and revelation you have taught me from the beginning.
